Howdy folks!
I have a talent of making light of ANY situation with my own #Cindyism, a blend of cindys Texas humor! Sometimes it’s FUNNY, but remember, there is a LITTLE #TRUTH to EVERY joke! And I don’t “hold back”
People LOVE to give ADVICE And my RESPONSE is #cindyism they may not WANT it, but I GIVE it to them ANYWAY! Because their “advice” is “as UNWELCOME as, a “DUST STORM on a TRAIL DRIVE” or “JAWS at a BEACH PARTY” or even a “GATOR at a Louisiana LAWN PARTY” (you get the picture) But I still have MORE….
#cindyism #quote #thepawningplanners other people’s OPINIONS or unsolicited ADVICE, are “as welcome to ME, as a SKUNK at a backyard BAR B QUE or a RATTLESNAKE at a RODEO”
Sadly, I can’t stop them sometimes so…..I do tell them….
” if you pull a CHAIR, up to MY dinner table, uninvited, you BETTER get ready for my OPINION and PRAYER”
And here’s a few of my FAVORITE ones…..
“Your MOTHER doesn’t LIVE here, so please stop bringing me your DIRTY LAUNDRY” (Problems)
“Unless you are my SEAMSTRESS, don’t get under my SKIRT” (mind your business)
“SOME people STEP into SHIT, and EXPECT you to CLEAN their SHOES”
“I DONT remember agreeing with YOU, but IF I DID, then at this POINT, we are BOTH wrong”
“A CHICKEN and a SIX pack, ain’t a 7 course meal folks”
“Because I am NOT your psychiatrist, please STOP telling me your PROBLEMS”
“This isn’t a RESTAURANT, I am not your WAITRESS, so stop giving me your ORDER”
“Unless you are my DERMATOLOGIST, please stop getting UNDER my SKIN”
“Even a BLIND fox can FIND the HEN house”
“Some folks are more CONFUSED, than a BUFFALO standing in ASTROTURF”
“I ain’t your MECHANIC so don’t expect me to put you on a LIFT and KISS your AXLE”
“Busier than A Pasadena town FLORIST, during the California ROSE PARADE”
“Some folks are a couple of QUARTS short of an OIL change”
“If you ain’t gonna help me PLOW the FIELD, get off the FARM”
“If you ain’t milking the HEFFER get out of the DAIRY”
“That guy is a couple of fruit TREES, shy of an ORCHARD”
“some folks are LOUDER than DADS CHRISTMAS TIE”
“Why BUY the CHICKEN, if you can get the EGGS for FREE”
“I feel like I fell off the TRACTOR, and got run over by the PLOW”
“Don’t expect a LOBSTER and STEAK dinner, on a CATFISH and BURGER budget”
“Don’t shake the TREE, unless you are willing to EAT the fruit, that FALLS from it” (Careful what you WISH for, you may not want it, when you get it)
“A REAL hillbilly, has the SENSE not to slap or punch another COWBOYS face, with a wad of chewing tobacco in it”
“Busier than a SURFER, during tsunami”
“The PRETTIEST tree in the FOREST, can have the most TWISTED roots”
“TIGHTER than a POWER line” (cheap)
“Don’t throw TRASH over MY fence, when YOU are living at the DUMP! (Hypocrite)
“Don’t TRY to come thru my front door, if your too good, to SWEEP, my porch” (think you are better than me)
“Don’t come around to reap the HARVEST, if you weren’t there, to plant the CROP” (you don’t get paid, if you didn’t do the work)
“Some folks like to tell you how to PLAY the game, when they ain’t never been to the FIELD, or showed up at PRACTICE”
“Some folks like to ACT like their $HIT don’t STINK, too bad for THEM, their FARTS, done give them AWAY” (Fake folks)
“That guy talks FASTER, that a sunrise preachers sermon”
“Happier than a RACCOON in a CHICKEN coop”
“Unless you are my BEAUTICIAN, get out of my HAIR”
“Dont expect ME to make GRAVY out of WATER ” (expect something for nothing)
“Some folks ain’t worth the SALT it would take to JERKY them” (worthless)
“Don’t come to my house uninvited and EXPECT to lead in the DINNER prayer”
“Since when did the FREAKS, start running the FUN house”
“If you want the HONEY from the HIVE, then don’t complain about the STINGS”
“She’s SO crooked, she could eat NAILS, and have SCREWS, come out, the OTHER end”
“CLASS can’t be BOUGHT, it HAS to be TAUGHT”
“If you ain’t mowing the GRASS, get out of my YARD” (mind your own business)
“Don’t pop my GIRDLE, or snap my BRA” (your making me mad)
“That guys is TIGHTER than a CORSET” (cheap)
“DONT ever $hit, where you EAT”
“Busier than a one armed CATTLEMAN, during BRANDING season”
“Unless you bought the GROCERIES, don’t COMPLAIN about what’s in the FRIDGE”
“Don’t ask to BORROW A cup of FLOUR and EXPECT me to BAKE you a cake!”
” if u ain’t DRIVING my CAR, get the heck out of my GARAGE” (Stay out of my business)
“She trying hitch her HORSES to our WAGON” (Moocher)
“You can’t lead the CHUCK WAGON, if you don’t KNOW how to COOK”
“They are so RICH, during the holidays, they use the Christmas tree for fire wood!”
“Shes getting on my nerves like a stump tail STEER, swatting at the summer flies!”
“Don’t park your BUGGY in my BARN” (Mind her own business)
“Stay OUT of my BARN, unless, you are feeding the ANIMALS” (don’t get in my business, unless you are gonna help)
“That guy talks so much, my STEAK done turned to JERKY”
“Don’t ask to borrow a TOMATO, and expect ME to cook you a STEW!” (Ungrateful) and you could substitute spaghetti.
“They can’t see the CORN FIELD for the CROP”
“I got so many PAINS, I feel like I fell off the horse, and got kicked by a MULE”
“Don’t criticize MY PARTY, if you showed up, without an INVITATION or a GIFT”
“My back feels like, I hitched a RIDE, on the grill of an 18 WHEELER” (I hurt)
“Some folks are a few CHAPTERS shy of a NOVEL”
“If you are going to put me under a MICROSCOPE, please clean the GLASS first” (don’t judge)
“If you were calling to speak to the BOSS, check the number, because you just dialed the EMPLOYEE”
“Don’t PULL food from the oven, without a MITTEN, because you will get BURNED”
“Sometimes “DINNER” doesn’t “TURN OUT” as planned, but most folks, are gonna EAT it anyway”
(not everything you do is gonna be perfect, but sometimes, it’s GOOD ENOUGH)
“Her WASHER, is running, too bad, she’s got no CLOTHES in it” (she’s crazy)
“Tighter than grandmas clothing line” (cheap)
“There’s SMOKE, coming from the CHIMNEY, but no WOOD in the FIREPLACE” (crazy)
“Tighter than a RUBBER band”= cheap
“more CROOKED, than an ELK or DEERS horns” (They aren’t honest)
“You can’t profit from the HARVEST, if you didn’t plant the CROP”
“slicker than the first SLEET storm in Texas”
“slicker than COLD lard”
“I feel like a TEN pound sausage in a FIVE pound link” (I feel fat)
“There’s a lot of SMOKE in the KITCHEN, but no FOOD on the STOVE” (something’s wrong)
“You could give her the WORLD, and then she would ask, what about MARS” (ungrateful)
“Ain’t got the sense to NOT HUG a CACTUS bush” (not smart)
“Don’t ask to borrow a CUP of MILK and expect me to bring you a HEFFER”
“If you are going to join my PICNIC, bring your own BASKET”
“You can’t Jump a barb wire FENCE, and not expect to get CUT” (stay out of other folks affairs before you get hurt)
“don’t burn my BUNS, or could be bisquts” (your making me mad)
“Unless you brought a SHOVEL, don’t tell me how to DIG my DITCH”
“don’t step on my petticoat” (same as above)
“It’s so HOT, the CATFISH need an IV”
“If you aint COOKING, get out of my KITCHEN” (mind your own business)
“Don’t ask to BORROW a couple of EGGS, and then EXPECT an OMELETTE”
” so HOT, the CATFISH, are swimming in DIRT”
“Tighter than a pressure cooker” (cheap)
“That guy is as handy as a TRUCK to a TRAILER”
“Handy as a CB radio, to a TRUCKER ”
“I may not be the SHARPEST pair of SCISSORS in the SEWING box, but even RUSTY scissors can still CUT”
“I would rather HUG a grizzly bear but could substitute that for cougar, lion or rabbid dog” (don’t want to do something)
“Ain’t no ROYALTY, in your FAMILY tree, so stop acting like a PRINCESS”
“That gal is short a few LETTERS shy of the ALPHABET ”
“My pots are cooking on all FOUR burners, I don’t need another COOK in my kitchen”
“Don’t jump into my BOAT, unless your bringing your own POLE and BAIT” (don’t be a free loader)
“closest she ever gonna get to ROYALTY, is snow whites castle at disneyland” ( she ain’t no PRINCESS)
“I am happier than a BULL rider during opening day at the stock show” (happy)
“Busier then the MIAMI hotels CARPET cleaners, AFTER spring break”
“That guy is more full of crap, than the FAMILY RV’S bathroom, after SUMMER vacation”
“if you hug a ROSE bush, you could get poked” (approach with caution)
” she, he or they are so RICH, they are taking the milking COW, to the slaughterhouse” (they got MONEY) but u could also use (prize hog, pig or any prize winning animal)
“don’t put the TRAILOR, before the MINI van” (slow down)
” happy as a DUCK, in a pond” (happy)
“That guy HANGS out, more than grandmas STOCKINGS” (he’s LAZY)
“she’s got TUMBLWEED for a pet” (she’s got no personality and can also mean crazy)
“Dont expect a STEAK dinner, on a WHATABURGER budget”
“You can own a HORSE for a LIFETIME, but that doesn’t mean you can make it RIDE” I been married 20+ years, and my HORSE still ain’t “broke in”
“Don’t ask for a CAVIAR affair, when you only have the budget, for FISH & CHIPS”
“Don’t act like your dance card is FULL, when you don’t even know how to TWO step” (somebody acting the prize attraction, when they are AVERAGE at BEST)
“Don’t invite any more CLOWNS, to my CIRCUS ” (I am overwhelmed)
“I don’t need any more FREAKS, at my fun house” (Same thing)
“My circus has ENOUGH clowns, somebody close the tent, PLEASE”
“Don’t invite yourself to MY CAMP FIRE, unless you caught the FISH”
“Her lasso is wound so TIGHT, it’s done turned into a HANGMANS noose”
“Ok if you WERE not committed , Who invited you to my NUT house”
“That guy is more CLINGY, than Saran Wrap”
“Please don’t feed YOUR horses at my TROUGHS” (be a moocher)
“It’s as HOT as a stolen RIFLE out here”
“SHE acts like a shiny new PENNY, when we ALL know, she’s been spare CHANGE, in so many HIP pockets, Abe’s head, is just a SHADOW”
“I DIDNT put an EXTRA chair at my TABLE for you” (butt out)
“That HEN, ain’t gonna LAY”
“It’s as COLD outside, as a lawyers heart”
“She’s as QUICK, as schoolyard gossip” (she’s smart)
“Hey I got more PAINS (panes) than the stained glass, in a Catholic Church”
“Hey that TRACTOR ain’t gonna plow” (ain’t gonna work)
“Don’t invite yourself to my COOK OUT, unless YOU are bringing the FOOD”
“This SMELLS downwind of the CITY DUMP” (The “story” stinks, and is probably untrue)
“She could TALK the barn doors, off the hinges”
“She paid for a SINGER, but expects a BAND”
“This dinner SMELLS, like it doesn’t want to be EATEN”
“She ain’t worth the SALT, it would take to JERKY her” (worthless)
“That guy CANT tell the difference, between a horse and a mule” (ain’t smart)
“Me and my sis are TIGHTER, than a BRICK WALL or road” (we are VERY close)
“That guy PERSONALITY is as DRY as a DIRT, road, and with Texas winds, MOST of it, ALREADY flew AWAY! “(no personality)
“That lady is TIGHTER, than the skirting on a trailer house” (she’s CHEAP)
“That guy is more CROOKED, than a Gypsies smile” (dishonest)
“Don’t jump on my TRACTOR, unless you plan on BAYLING some HAY” (ain’t taking passengers on a FREE ride)
“As handy as a TRACTOR to a PLOW”
“she’s a few PAGES, short of a BOOK”
“Hey this CHICKEN ain’t gonna LAY” (the situation ain’t gonna work)
“Handy as ELECTRICITY, to an execution”
“Just because I am feeding the ANIMALS, doesn’t mean I own the FARM”
“Handy as a LOCK, in a walmart bathroom stall”
“Like a squirrels DINNER! (nuts)
“Like a squirrels BUFFET! (mixed nuts)
“Some folks are a few WORDS short of a DICTIONARY”
“So hot, CACTUS, are bribing the dogs”
“Close your FLY catcher (mouth)”
“Can’t tell the Difference between FLOUR and GUN POWDER” (she can’t cook)
“She so NUTS, thought a RAID, was a square dance, even when the COPS handcuffed her”
“TWO fingers of whiskey, can get you into a FIVE finger fight”
“Ain’t got the SENSE to add water to bisquick and make DROP biscuits”
“She’s so LOW, she needs an elevator, to SEE HELL”
“He can’t tell DIFFERENCE, between bullets and beebees”
“Lower than a rug”
“Ladies, just because you can BUTTON your JEANS, doesn’t mean, “they FIT”
“Can’t tell difference between a rooster and a hen”
“Happier than a cow with a new calf”
“Some folks are a few PACKS short of a CARTON”
“Happier than a dog with a new puppy”
“This HEFFER ain’t gonna MILK” (the situation won’t work)
“Can’t tell the difference between bull frog and a horny toad”
“Slicker than a hog trough”
“You might be expecting a LIZARD but I am gonna show you a GATOR”
“Who gave you permission to put a CHAIR, at MY table”? (Butt out my business)
“Don’t tell ME, how to PLAY, when YOU, ain’t even in the GAME”
“I didn’t invite you to hang your LAUNDRY on my CLOTHES LINE” (bring me your problems)
“She can’t tell the difference between a LADLE and a SPOON” (she can’t cook)
“She’s like a TRUCKERS cb RADIO, anybody can PICK her up” (she’s a loose woman)
“Don’t HITCH your horse, to MY wagon” (moocher or user)
“Saddle up with a TENT fellas, cause this long day gonna run overnight”
“Saddle up with a CANTEEN and RAIN BOOTS, cause it’s gonna be a LONG DAY, and we gonna be riding through some SHIT”
“Don’t give COOKING advice, when you only own a MICROWAVE”
“You could turn her on, FASTER, than CABLE TV ”
“She talked so much, my GRAPES done turned to WINE”
“He talks SO much my APPLES, done turned to CIDER”
“Don’t tell me how to SEW, when you can’t even THREAD a needle”
“A REAL cowboy doesn’t wear a 10 gallon hat and drive a two gallon car”
“Ain’t got the SENSE to cut the ORANGES open, to make JUICE”
“This shit getting so DEEP, even the farm animals need rainboots”
“Just because your a CLOWN, doesn’t qualify you as the circus ringleader”
“Her hair looks like it done been through the HAY baylor TWICE ”
“She’s a few pickets, SHORT of a fence” (crazy)
“He’s TIGHTER, than barbwire” (cheap)
“Hey, that story has more holes, than a SHOOTING gallery or the 5am DONUT STORE”
“Shes a couple of WHEELS short of a Dooley”
“Don’t ask for a PREACHER, and expect a CONGREGATION, as a bonus”
“The only snap, crackle, pop in my house, is the kids cereal, left on the counter”
“She done took the WRONG EXIT, on the highway of life”
“So hey, you go to CHURCH, on Sunday and take communion with that mouth, and KISS your FAMILY too”? (Foul mouth)
“You could send him to the store for MILK, and he would come back with BREAD”
“Don’t steal FRUIT, from your neighbors tree, then complain its SOUR” (ungrateful)
“Ain’t no slack, in her lasso” (she’s smart)
“You can’t be the TRAIL BOSS, if you don’t know how to RIDE” (don’t know what you are talking about)
“Look out, she’s on all fours, with her tail up” (ready to fight)
“She could start a fight, in an empty bar” (stirs up trouble)
“I don’t take hitch hikers on my crazy train”
“Hey if she don’t know how to COOK, what’s she doing in MY kitchen” (giving advice on matters, you aren’t familiar with)
“dont INVITE me to dinner, then expect ME to buy the groceries AND cook for you TOO”
“Hey, she’s so SKINNY, even her shadow done disappeared”
“Even if you step in old CRAP, it still going to STINK” (old problems don’t go away)
“That frog, ain’t gonna jump or hop”
“Don’t tell me, my ROSES stink, when you ain’t never been to my GARDEN” (unfounded criticism)
“That’s as UGLY, as a HORSE, with its tail UP” (it’s ugly)
“More crooked than a basket of snakes, or a cup of fishing worms”
“She keep CLUCKING, like a prize hen, but I ain’t seen no EGGS, come out the other END” (fake person)
“Some folks like to stir up more crap, than a CAT, in a LITTER box” (trouble)
“That guy is ROUGHER than SAND PAPER”
“Hey, I don’t REMEMBER putting out a WELCOME SIGN, for you”
“Don’t complain about the FOOD in the fridge, when you didn’t chip in, to BUY the GROCERIES”
“She’s like TEXAS weather, her ATTITUDE goes from BAD to WORSE DAILY”
“more NERVOUS, than a GOVERNOR at a whorehouse, during a POLICE RAID”
“That guy needs to “unsaddle and unbridle his NAG, and send it to the GLUE factory” (get a divorce)
“Happier than a FOX in a HEN HOUSE”
“She/he looks like they been DRUG around the WORLD, behind a CATTLE hauler” (they look like crap)
“The car is in DRIVE, with nobody behind the wheel” (he/she or the situation is crazy)
“He’s like flypaper” (he’s clingy)
” she’s in the drivers seat, too bad she’s out of gas” (could mean MANY things)
“Poor girl, got her daddy’s looks” (she’s flat chested)
“He/she couple gallons short of a tank” (crazy)
“All farm, no garden” (phony or liar)
“all ranch and no cattle” same thing
“Keep your LAUNDRY out of my WASHING MACHINE” (pass your problems to me)
“Keep your horse out of my barn” (mind your own business)
“keep your CAR out of my GARAGE” (same as above)
“I feel like a jar of mayonnaise” ( I am whipped)
“Ain’t got the sense to plant a SEED, and add WATER”
“She’s got a full basket of eggs, too bad they are all cracked” (crazy)
“That guy must have had shotgun SHELLS, for breakfast, the way he keeps shooting his mouth off”
“She’s so full of hot air, I WISH she would FLY away”
“She’s so lucky, if this was execution day, there would b a state wide power outtage”
“Slicker than a barrel of crude oil”
“She’s so skinny, a summer rain would wash her away”
“Dont ask to borrow an apple, and expect me to bake the pie”!
“The only WOMAN that knows where her husband is 24/7 is a WIDOW”
“That guy would start a FIGHT, with a concrete STATUE”
“That guy is so LAZY, he’s like MY BLISTER, only shows up when the work is DONE”
“Don’t try to COLLECT my morning eggs, when you couldn’t even pitch in to pay for GRAIN, to feed them” (be a Moocher)
“Don’t ask for a BEER, and expect a six pack”
“Even a BLIND hog, can find the feeding trough, sometimes” (sometimes, you get lucky)
“Some folks are so STUCK UP, they are like a PEZ dispenser, that’s broken in the OPEN position”
“Unless you are MY MECHANIC, don’t try to get under my HOOD”
“So yea, you OWN a bible, that doesn’t qualify you, to be the PREACHER”
“Hey don’t think because you OWN a lawn mower, it makes you MY Gardner”
Sometimes things just ain’t gonna work
“Just because it has scales, doesn’t mean it can swim”
“Just because you have TWO legs, doesn’t mean you can dance”
“Just because that guy HAS a pole, doesn’t mean he’s gonna eat fish tonight”
“Some folks are a few WHEELS short of a SEMI TRUCK” (crazy)
“If the $hit gets any DEEPER, I am going to need a WET SUIT and AIR TANK”
Sometimes folks, you can give people what they NEED, and it can still go WRONG lol, God bless us ALL!
texastwins2004's Blog 